By Mark D. Krantz
Laguna Beach has been looking at buying Laguna Canyon Road for a while now. Me too. Well, not just Laguna Canyon Road, but a 2 mile stretch somewhere else. As with any residential area, it’s all about location, location, location.
I’ve been looking forever. It’s been over 30 years since the Adopt-A-Highway program began. I didn’t want to adopt while my children were still at home. I didn’t want them to say, “Dad, you spend more time in the car than you do with us. We’re not interested in spending quality time with you anymore. We’d love to have you with us any time, even during boring times at home. Oh, I almost forgot to say Happy Father’s Day.”
So I waited. My kids were grown, and it was time to give back. 48 states offer civic organizations and individuals the opportunity to “Adopt-A-Highway.” The program is free, but participants must clean up trash four to six times a year. On the surface, it seems like a solid program. But look closer and you’ll see some cracks.
I was considering a section of the Teton Pass Highway in western Wyoming. It’s a beautiful highway that leads to tourist hubs like Jackson Hole, Yellowstone, and Grand Teton National Parks. When I first mowed the line, I thought it would be a great place to pick up trash. It’s like a vacation while you’re working. So I went to get a closer look. When I got there, a good portion of the two-mile section had been lost in a landslide. In its place was an 80-foot ravine. That’s going to ruin a lot of summer vacations. I asked if the landslide was a highway adoption section. The road crew said they weren’t sure. But as a general rule for cave-ins, they look for a highway adoption sign first. If they find one, they look for the parent. Well, thankfully, I didn’t choose this spot.
I am not sure if the Adopt a Highway program is enough. Picking up litterers is a losing battle. I am looking to strengthen our litter removal program and directly address the source of the problem: the litterers. My new program is called “Catch the Litterers.” With the help of traffic cameras, we will obtain video evidence of litterers across the country. We will then execute citizen arrest warrants. Captured litterers will be placed in large mason jars at the point where the violation occurred. We will make sure to poke holes in the lid so the litterers can breathe. For first-time offenders, we can also put grass in the jar for peace of mind. Litterers will be forced to watch fellow litterers throw things at them for 2-4 weeks. Like captured fireflies, litterers will be reluctant to throw trash out of their windows.
I was very excited about our new program. We decided to launch our national campaign on a two-mile stretch of Laguna Canyon Road. I shared the news with my grandchildren. To my surprise, they were against the “pick up litter” or “adopt a highway” program. I asked them why. They said, “We’ve seen this story so many times on Netflix. Adopted child gets inheritance. Forget it, Grampa. Charity starts at home. Don’t go out. We’re here, talking and trashing all over the house.”
Krantz told Indy that his grandchildren caved in as quickly as the Teton Pass Highway caved in.
