The world of Pokémon has continued to expand endlessly since its creation in 1996. A magical world of colorful pocket monsters living in harmony with humans, on the surface it seems like “everyone’s E” but what lies beneath society’s darker side? A seemingly unregulated Food and Drug Administration has led countless scientists across the region to develop their own medicines and elixirs in secluded forest laboratories. Unfortunately, these potions can be abused by the very Pokémon they were developed to help. Thankfully, natural evolution allows these little Pokémon to kick the habit. Here are the Pokémon evolutions that really sobered Pokémon up.
Gloom → Vile Plume
While it’s normal for mid-evolutionary Pokémon to experience new things during adolescence, Gloom is now totally obsessed. He was seen snorting poison powder in the bathroom of a PokéCenter, getting high on his own drugs. Ironically, all this weed-high needs to get him going again is a Leaf Stone.
Golbat → Crobat
Seriously, who invited Golbat? Those degenerates just trumpet Super Repel and talk about the terrible script they’re working on. At least Crobat takes the hint and shuts up.
Drowsy → Hypno
After years of abusing hallucinogens, Drowsy looked around the front row at a Grateful Dead cover band concert and didn’t recognize a single person. Hypno kicked the habit, started going to the gym, and now spends his days reading palms and handing out tarot cards to gullible tourists.
Kodak → Goldak
Kodak suffered from severe anxiety and was prescribed countless doses of Valium, Klonopin, and Xanax. After being told by several mental health professionals that his dependency was becoming an addiction, Kodak needed another way to get his hands on painkillers (and feathers?). What started as a harmless memory-snatching spree on the woman behind the counter at CVS quickly snowballed into petty crime: robbing a PokéMart and lying to Nurse Joyce just to get his hands on a few pills. It took a brief stay at the Northern Pokémon Correctional Facility for Kodak to evolve into a cool-headed, head-butting Golduck.
Vigoroth → Slaking
Vigoros doesn’t have a “cocaine problem”, just an addictive personality that he can kick at any time. Luckily, Slaking has traded in his nasty lollipops for the eccentric Toback, and now he’s obsessed with discussing the ambiguities of Alex Garland’s “Civil War” with strangers on Letterboxd.
Ninetales → Marowak
Can you blame Ninetales for becoming addicted to drugs? Ninetales is the only Pokemon with pre-existing trauma. Sometimes you have to let yourself go through your grief to find the truth about who you want to be.
Lombre → Ludicolo
Lotad had so much potential until he evolved into a Lombre, lost motivation, and started smoking that dank, tall grass. Now the Lombre slacker can’t stop ordering rare candy on DoorDash while watching reruns of Top Gear on the BBC. Meanwhile, Ludicolo has found spiritual enlightenment outside of drugs. Armed with a sombrero and a new-found love of mariachi music, Ludicolo brings joy and entertainment to town festivals throughout the region.
Psychic → Meowth
“Hey, are you okay? This is the first time we’ve seen Fuugas in such terrible condition. Those eyes have seen things we can’t comprehend. Let’s get you some fresh water and a full cure and everything will be fine.”
Phoebus → Milotic
From the looks of things, Feebas is the only Pokemon that looks like it’s addicted to methamphetamine. The black rings around its eyes indicate that it hasn’t slept for days, and the brown spots on its skin indicate that the addict prioritizes getting high over everything else. Feebas is a poster for an anti-drug campaign in a local school. The message written under Feebas’s picture, “This is your brain in a drug addict,” is very convincing. Let’s use Milotic as an example to let us all know that no matter how addicted we are, there is always hope that we can transform into a beautiful supermodel overnight.
Magikarp → Gyarados
Can Magikarp get off being just a fin and become useful for once? So keep splashing around in life and see where it takes you. Why can’t you be more like Gyarados? Take a good hard look at yourself and evolve! If you don’t, you’ll be locked in the nursery until you’re 20 years old.